what doesnt kill you...

hmmm, there is a theory that the body does not retain any memory of pain. Thank god for that. If only the mind was as cooperative now, there'd be no problem. But it isnt, is it. The damn thing insists on not only recounting painful episodes, but exaggerating their importance until they seem so tragic, that surviving them seems heroic and incredible. The hopeless optimists among us use these thoughts as inspiration; that they could survive some bouts of depression and still come out sane, diminished a little, but on the road to normalcy. Bloody idiots. What doesnt kill
you makes you stronger is their way of rationalizing their traumatic experiences.

How i would love for them to come look inside my own head. The amplification of past pain seems to be a favourite exercise for my mind. And there is no heroic ending here, nothing to support the idea that 'i've lived through it once...and can do so again!". There is only dejection at being exposed to pain, by circumstances entirely within my own control, and yet foolishly
persisting in activities that were guaranteed to encourage the process.

In hindsight of course, there is much rethinking done...many avenues previously unnavigated, or considered unnavigable, suddenly appear to be the sanest, most logical option. Well, in those moments of high passion and intensity, logic and sanity are both overruled by their lesser cousin-instinct. Yes, I have read all the heady stuff of gut instinct being the best guide,
to be relied upon by heroes of our time, to get them out of tight spots etc. Mine though, is not as fine tuned, as it turns out. My instinct somehow manages to pick the least logical, most unnecessary paths, and is terribly consistent.

My instincts though, have begun a marked improvement. In the sense that, those previously illogical solutions are now being replaced by shortcuts. Problems are being solved not by systematic logical analysis, but by looking for the least effort solutions. Of course most of these solutions are straining conventional ethics, but they are showing that trademark of innovativeness-daring. Going through with these suggested solutions is quite another thing.
But their existence in itself relieves the mind of its only fear-emptiness.